im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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