getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
