He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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