if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize