i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
