So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
