So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
