drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
