The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
