I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
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