Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
