Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
