She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
