Your tits are I can't wait for
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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