if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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