Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
