You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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