We won't sleep together?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize