My underwear smells like fireworks.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
