Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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