Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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