I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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