I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
