fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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