I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
