lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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