why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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