I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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