Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
