Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
