Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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