i'm signing you up for texting rehab
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
