This house was built for laser tag.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize