im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
