I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
