how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
