Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
