matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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