We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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