the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Bring me that man meat
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
