be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
My vagina is officially offended.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
