My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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