I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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