I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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