Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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