Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
