i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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