Your dad touched me again.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
How external is "for external use only"?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
