Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
