This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
