If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
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