Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
