i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
That reminds me...we need to get swords
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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