you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
