It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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