im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
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