Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Randomize
