We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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