dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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