9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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