I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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