hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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