Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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