My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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