I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
