Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
